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She's tired. She's angry. She's lonely. She's scared. So sick of being tired, so tired of being sick. Could she be any more obvious? She screaming at the top of her lungs in a crowded room full of incoherent peers. Always screaming her lungs put, til her head starts spinning. Everyone hears, but no one listens. All she wants is a sign, a guiding force, some semblance of attention, acknowledgement, affection. Something sweet to get her by. Always screaming. Never smiling. Never laughing. Terminally confined in haunting vacancy and emptiness. With scars on her thighs, and holes in her heart, she runs. Faster and faster until she can't think, can't see, can't feel. She sees life like a carousel, spinning round and round, seeing the same things, same faces, same place. Over and over again, and when it stops, your legs feel weak and your stomach is in knots. Then again, who wants to fade into the swirling backdrop of life? Maybe if she did, she would see things a little more clearly. Always screaming, always running, never stopping, never solving. Will she ever find her calming inner peace?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


is it big enough to fill the void?
i want to ask you why. but i know its something you had little control over. or maybe it was something completely up to you. i want to be angry. i want to be sad. i want to be moving forward, i want to be done with realization. having to explain death to a five year old is probably the most disturbing thing i've ever gone through. she's so beautiful, so pure, so untarnished. i feel like if i tell her the truth, it's going to kill her spirit. it makes me sick to my stomach. she's so innocent, her questions are so deep. things i haven't figured out how to answer yet. things i don't know how to lie about yet. its so frustrating. the older she gets, the worse they are. she understands more about life everyday, that makes creating stories hard. let me live without this. i know its selfish, but i'm so sick and infected with where i live. its such haunting bliss. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i don't know who i am. i never know what i'm talking about. this is exactly what i felt like a year ago. i don't understand. is it a chemical imbalance? did i really fuck myself that badly with the past four years? i shouldn't feel this way anymore. i can't even tell if i'm feeling anything anymore. five steps forward, thirty steps back. dammit. i hate myself for this. i hate you for this. sometimes life seems to quiet, into paralyzing silence. like the moonless dark meant to make me strong. familiar breath of my old lies changed the color in my eyes. sorrow lasts through this night, i'll take this piece of you and hold for all eternity.

can you promise me, that you won't promise?
i don't feel it. do you feel me? do you feel anything? i swear this isn't normal. i don't know which way i'm facing anymore. all i can do is just shove all this to the side and pretend to move forward. its not hard to stay sober, its hard to get sober. its almost impossible when you're my drug of choice. i can't face the horrors of detox, i can't pull myself out of the cycle. things fall apart quickly. i'm trying to convince myself that the bad isn't so bad. i try so hard to tell myself i really wasn't that out of control. everyone is over reacting, right? there's a vacancy in my eyes that scares me. i've never hated something so much in my life. tell me its worth it, i won't stop. tell me you love me, i won't stop. tell me i'm spiraling out of control, i won't stop. tell me you're done, it'll only make it easier. tell me you want to understand, you want to see what i see, feel how i feel, and i'll stop dead in my tracks. i wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. i am my own worst enemy, and that's a terrible place to be.

don't let me go.
watch my back so i make sure you're right behind me as before.
yesterday the night before tomorrow,
dry my eyes so you won't know.
dry my eyes so i won't show.
i know you're right behind me.
and don't let me go tonight.
don't let me go.
walk the surface of this town
with high heels above the ground.
and high horses that we know
keep us safe until the night
we know them all, i know it all.
stay put and play along,
'cause i'm looking for my friend.
now i got you.
don't you let me go tonight.
i dry my eye
falling deeper by the hour,
dry my eye,
don't let me fall deeper now.

-lykke li.

it smells like sandalwood again.
your subconscious, it's aware.
your conscious mind knows too i swear.
it was good boy, it was good.
but i only did it 'cause i could.
why can't i love you.
why can't i feel anything anymore.
my legs are weak, my body's sore.
but my heart is gone.
where did it go.
it's lurking
it's lying low.
i'm always curious boy, you know.

underneath the lovers atmosphere
I hate saying it.
Its not real.
It can't be real.
Disappointment is a sad word,
but it's fading away
and I can't expect anything less from you.

Sometimes I'm a shy soul,
and my words won't come out.
Sometimes I break my own heart
and listen to the new cold wind sway the trees.
I tell myself  "its not over, it won't ever be over."
But goddam it's over.
And I'm done.

such nonsense.
I remember the times i'll forever regret.
He denies the memories he failed to forget.
As she traces the patterns of her past's silhouette.

As we crash through the summer's sweet tears,
I cringe at the sound of my shrouded fears.
We're held captive by the weight of the passing years.

I remember the thorns that pierced my fingertips.
He boasts of countless sins through once innocent lips,
As she counts rows of endless scars on her pale, bony hips.

I can only give you everything I've got.
Regret runs deep, and pain is underestimated.
Blood stains from a child's heart on the hands of a liar. 
One man's anger leaving scars on another,
a pointless grudge takes the life of his brother.
Slits on her wrists and a gun to her head,
not caring what effect it had on her mother.
You hold the world in your arms, yet your world is so small,
so beautiful, so fragile...but you don't seem to care at all.
You had her, you held her, but your hold didn't last.
You wanted, you needed, what is now shattered glass.

i'll never be as sorry as you think I should.
With great respect, I admire one who can truly wear one's shoes as their own, 
feeling nothing as they would, 
grasping everything they could,
soaking them in,
crawling around inside itchy skin.
Seeing existence from behind one's hydrated eyes.
Is it possible, 
that they would then understand the state she's in?
Always falling,
never screaming.
Silence serves as narcotic company.
Mental lullabies lull her troubled mind to rest.
Will the worn shoes of her long journey,
aid one in discovering her true anthem?

wings wouldn't help you.
Congratulations society, you've brought me to my knees. Your twisted morals have destroyed my ambitions. My heart was once brilliantly fluttering with every step I took, but now it hangs onto my sleeve by a single thread. My empty accusations proved my mind naive, completely oblivious to your clever ways. Maybe I should glance at her flawless lifestyle once more. My eyes fill up with jealousy at the sight of her conceited smile. Her companions dance around her mindless ways. 

I open my ever slumbering eyes, and stare at what lies before me. I feel as if I just slept through a hurricane, yet I am part of the aftermath. Foggy memories embrace my conscience, as I place my hand upon my cheek. Salty-sweet tears had embraced my face long ago, but I cannot recall what encouraged them to stream down my face. I imagine myself standing on the brink of insanity, I'm too terrified to take a step, in either direction. 

I don't understand. My emotions are in a whirlwind. An unending storm that drags me down just to spit me back up onto the shore,  lacking both strength and hydration. As I slowly awake from unconsciousness, I cannot recall why I felt the way I did, or why I fell apart in the first place. I regain my composure and begin to smile again. 

would someone give me a reason.
I don't understand; I can't comprehend.
This underlying motive of a emotionally split personality. 


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